Poetry

White Flag

Why do I still love you after all the pain you have caused me?

Why do I care if you are ok?

In high school you broke my heart countless times, including our junior prom where you started dating a bitch who you had the hots for since the start of the year, and didn’t think it should bother me

What the fuck?!

You were there with me! As friends or not you and I had history and you knew I loved you and always will and the right thing to do was to tell her you would answer her on Monday because that night you were there with me, but NO you didn’t think past the end of your dick and the chance to maybe get to fuck her, which she never let you, she just wanted to piss me off and try and cause a fight there and to hurt you so HA HA!!

You broke my heart when you left when you were 18, you didn’t ask me if I wanted you to go or to stay, and I didn’t think to tell you I wanted you to stay

Then in ’99 when fucking TR’s whore of a wife sent your mail back which had your birth certificate in it since your wallet was stolen on the bus up here and you ended up having to go back to your grandma’s, I didn’t have the sense to pack our son up and go with you and you didn’t think to ask me to get our son and my self on that bus with you.

I was so scared of losing you that I thought you were cheating on me and I believed your nutcase of a sister over your word that you never would cheat on me and left you-hardest thing I ever did was listen to your frantic messages on the answering machine at what was going to be our apartment, I could only listen to three of them then I just held the delete button down as I cried and felt my heart and soul break…I never wanted to hurt you or cause you pain but I did.

Then close to a year ago now I found you again with help from my ‘sources’

YOU asked me to get back with you, not the other way around

I never asked you, you have always asked me, always, probably because you know I can never say no to you

Then your two aunts (by marriage) had to cause problems for us and led to our break up, I still don’t know what was going on at your location if you were doing G or not if you were cheating on me as all things point to you doing or what, for a few weeks you are all into us being back together wanting to be together as soon as possible wanting to finally get married as we had always wanted YOU asked me to marry you (over the phone granted but you still did) and said that you were planning on getting me the engagement ring you had always wanted to get me but could not until now afford to get, then

WAM

What the fuck?!

You do a 180° and don’t call, act like I’m an inconvenience, make a point of being over at G's place where no one is supposed to call for you, and G gets all pissed if anyone DOES call for you (and yeah I say fuck it I’m going to anyway because if G thinks you are a personal babysitter that doesn’t get paid then you should get phone rights like all other babysitters especially since you aren’t the one making the long distance phone calls you are receiving them and they aren’t keeping you from your ‘duties’, not like an 11yr old requires much), there for a while you don’t mind me calling there as long was we don’t talk for hours – which we haven’t done for years! Then I guess G lets into you and you not liking conflict you let her bitch me out and don’t take my back like you would have before ??!! then you start being an a bit of a bitch your self, very distant, etc

We ended up broken up because you put G first and your ‘family’ who isn’t even related to you, your ‘family’ by marriage…not the one person who has always had your back, never judged you, always loved you, never made you pick sides or expected you to choose as they were expecting you to do

Have you started to figure out that is a mistake yet?

I hope so!

Hell you have THREE KIDS one you can’t see until she is 18 and if they haven’t brainwashed her against you –good luck there, another one that IS brainwashed against you and is missed up known fact, and our son you could see him if you want to you have always claimed him – now you want a paternity test, ok pay for one, either way you can see him, but oh, that crazy looking bi you are with can come to TX with you, but she can’t get within three yards of my son and me same goes for G if you are still speaking to G

If that’s not acceptable good luck with whomever you manage to have a kid with, hope they let you see your kid, I know how much family means to you since you never had a normal one, we could have, still could, but could have had a normal happy family together, but you have chosen to be with these, well, these woman rather than with me… you always say that you think I’m too good for me, I say you undervalue your self, you are a wonderful man with an awesome heart

As Dido says in her song, I will never put up a “White Flag, I will go down with this ship”

To the Goddess

12-22-03

As the moon rises

On this winter solstice

I feel your energy

I feel your power

The pulsating energy of your being….of the earth

Your power is always there

But grows stronger on these high holy days

To the Man

6-3-05

Though I know I shouldn’t want you as much as I do

I do

Though I know you say you are not ready for a relationship

I still want you

I fight myself not to love you

But one cannot dictate to the heart

Fifteen years my senior, but truly the kind of man I have always wanted

Honest

Loving

Sweet

Sexy

Beautiful eyes

Giving

Good soul

Good heart

You woe me when you say “We’ll talk soon, get together soon, I’ll kiss you soon”

You don’t have to do anything to make me want you

I already do

You’re ex-wife was sourly mistaken for taking you for granted

If you were mine I never would

I would never forget how lucky I am for having you

Don’t be upset if despite everything I fall in love with you

Because I easily could

To You

I got your email today

You obviously haven’t gotten my letter yet

I read and deleted it

I’m waiting for you to get the letter

To read it

For you to be, well, rather mad at me

For the shit to hit the fan

But I have to

Had to

Do what’s best for me

Trust Truth Action

I want to trust you but I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble with it

other than 'no goes' you have stood up to your word

you seem to truly desire to be with me

at least at times you do

I know your scared to trust again your self

but if you don’t meet me half way

I wont be able to see you want me

trust for trust

truth for truth

action for action

Two Faced Lying Bitch

Why not call her what she is?

Bitch

Whore

Liar

Deceiver

Two faced lying bitch!

But you are not a lot better you encourage her

Anything to spite me

Anything to hurt me

So…go fuck off asshole

VB

Bitch don’t even try and start bull shit

I answered one of your lights when you were ONE ROOM AWAY

Only reason I didn’t change the lady is AR who is USUALLY on that hall said you and her were going there next and would get her

Not to worry about it

I offered to get the lady and AR refused the help

How many times have you answered someone else’s lights?

Not when they were one room away

What did you do when that happened?

You didn’t change the person or whatever they needed, no you went and told them that so and so want’s this, needs that, rather than help them and the resident out and do it

How many times?

I can think of at least three or four times that you have done that as a float when I’ve been there

You said I had a b ad attitude…whatever

Well you know what your attitude has SUCKED since I met you and worse since this ‘light issue’ so GROW UP and act like a professional

Since I work certain halls nearly EXCLUSIVELY than take what I say about those individuals as gospel truth and shut the fuck up

Walk Back in Time

Fall 01

Walk back in time and touch some stones

Stones in circles

Where ancient tribes buried their dead

Pictish stones

Incised with

Compelling

Inexplicable

Symbols, stones of broche forts standing

Perfect circular

Since long before the time of Christ

32 Days Later

I wish I did not still hurt

 wish I could just get over you

Put you out of my mind

Out of my heart

I know we are over

You made your choice

However, I do not know why

You put me out of your mind

I do not doubt you have forgotten about me

I think what hurts me the most, kills me the most, is you claiming we are fine

Then shortly thereafter, you kill my army.mil account

Then, only after your family intervened on my account did you EMAIL me and so coldly, bluntly, tell me we were through

No why

No how

Not even the GUTS to tell me over the phone since you are still so far away

God how much I still love you; still need you, still want you, how much I dread having to see you when you are back and I have to sign your truck out of P.O.V.

You coming home was suppose to be a joyous thing for us, a chance to see if we were headed where it seemed we were

But no, you chose a whore you cannot trust over me

Me who would never hurt you, screw around on you

What also kills me, your mom said you had mentioned before that you knew the baby was yours and that if the tests came back and she was yours that you would likely marry the whore

I know you are a good man but

ARE YOU INSANE!!!!????!!!!

Not like she has not already abandoned one husband and kids to go off and do her own thing!!!

Not like she loves you or even cares if you are happy or if she hurts you

I wish I wish I could just get over you

But how do you get over your soul mate?

 

A.C.

Since I told you I don’t want more kids

Never will want more

think you liked the fact that I don’t want kids and you do

I hope you are taking it into considerable consideration

I hope you come to the same conclusion I have

AC

I saw today when I checked my email that you have read the Christmas card I had put to deliver to you on Christmas before we broke up

I should care if it reopened any wounds or not since you have not tried to contact me in anyway since you received and read my letter

All you did after that was change your status from long-term relationship to single

No: up yours emails

No: I don’t understands

No: if this is what you want

No: nothing

But I do care

I guess more because I forgot the card was set up to send

But I will not budge- the ball is in your court

If you want me

Work for it

A.C. in June

I got your letter the other day

I was sick so I couldn’t write back then

You are asking me the same things as always – to get you over here

I say get yourself over here

If you really want me like you claim to then get yourself over here

I would love to try something real with you, see if we’re really compatible, see if we could have a future, but I won’t do all the work

Always Have

I have always liked good looking guys in BDUs

I’ve even always had a thing for guys in any for military uniforms

But You

You look good not only in BDUs, dress greens, but also in and out of everything down to your skivvies

Most people don’t look good in nothing but their underwear or less

But you…oh you do!

You look good in a t-shirt and brief

And briefs are usually not sexy to me at all

But they are on you

I love watching my monkey man jump on his duffel to cram more in it in nothing but a t-shirt and briefs..mmhmm

Air

you are like the air to me

all I need is you to survive

I cannot breathe without you

I am alive when you are near me

I feel half dead when your not with me

you make me smile

you make me laugh

you make me giddy

those who see Reike see blue/green off me after I have spent just a few hours with you

no one affects me like you

when we sing together it seems perfect..not just to me or you but to the audience

there is nothing in the world to me like your smile or the feel of your arms around me

I honestly believe what I see in your eyes, feel from you, and see when you do things that you aren’t conscious of doing that you do love me like I love you

you have never said it..not 'I love you'..but you have said 'love you' and 'I do too' … I know you have been afraid to loose me if we were to ever get involved

you think I would walk away from you if you did anything like you used to do

if you cheated on me I might would have to end a serious relationship with you but I would never turn my back on you –ever-- you are my friend, my best friend, I trust you with my heart my soul my life my everything...i could never give up on you..no matter what

maybe you will choose to stay in that toxic relationship you are in...maybe you will continue to see how wrong she is for you and how miserable she makes you

just remember your promise that if you two don't work out we would try..try at least for a baby..though I know if we got together just for the intent of making a child together it would take an act of God to break us..we both so desperately need to be loved and need to love someone

as hard as it is I put my faith in God that one day you will be may man, ideally one day my husband

I need you even more than I need air to breathe

A.C.

Since I told you I don’t want kids

Never will want more

I don’t think you liked the fact that I don’t want kids and you do

I hope you are taking it into considerable consideration

I hope you come to the same conclusion I have

Adi

I want to get married

I want to get married now

You say you can’t wait

Neither can I but not just for sex

For this loneliness to go away

Get yourself a visitor visa, come here, lets get married

Then you come here for your residency and we’ll live together properly

I’m tired of being alone

I’m tired of being lonely

At least if we commit this strongly I will know you are mine

Anti-D

I need a good anti-depressant

This move that was supposed to have been better than being alone, grown and living in my parents’ home—has not be better…it sucks about even

We had a few good moments, not many

Not enough

I needed a lot more than you were willing to give

You are still too immature and scared from the whore you were with before me to have a real relationship

I try and be positive but doesn’t work well

Soon I will be from here…one way or another

Apart

We are about as far apart as two people can get

You are at one end of the spectrum and I’m at the other

You generalize and stereotype everything I do than accuse me of over reacting when I get mad

All I know is I think we are falling apart

If we ever where whole to begin with

That we are not going to be able to be fixed

I don’t think either of us can or will give enough to ice over everything

We have had problems from the start…be really since December

You taking the sluts side without regard for me or what REALLY was said or happened I think snapped the camel’s back

And doing your buddy's bidding instead of telling him to talk to me himself…how childish and cowardly

You act like his BITCH

Then almost a month later when I got upset that my computer died and believed that it wouldn’t have happened without that same buddy jacking with its guts you took his side and discounted my feelings as unimportant and knowledge of technology and incorrect because said buddy doesn’t agree

Though I have worked as a build technician BUILDING computers and know what is actually harmful to them and what isn’t

No, you acted self-centered and once I was mad you were being an asshole but trying to cover it by saying you were ‘playing’…you have GOT to be joking

Now again you are accusing me of over reacting and having a TANTRUMS! And yelling…who did that in your past?? Because I wasn’t doing either!

You are again confusing me with your past woman and generalizing AGAIN

You really don’t know me, do you? Nor want to apparently

So really, be honest, do you want me to stay or go?

It’s your sad excuse for a house, more like a shack, your call

If you’re expecting me to say ‘Please don’t make me leave, please I love you please.’

You again have the wrong woman because I won’t beg or plead…besides I’m close to walking away from you and this sad excuse for a ‘relationship’ anyway

If you want me to go…I’ll go

If you want to actually try and want me to stay, I’ll stay

But you have got to be willing to ACCEPT ME FOR ME

I’m a strong willed, stubborn woman and will not change or roll over and play dead for you or any manor anyone

As the song says “are you strong enough to be my man?”

Are You A Player Or Are You For Real?

Are you a player or are you for real?

Tell me what to feel

My friends think you are a player

You have yet to offer a defense

I try to trust you

I try to give you the benefit of a doubt

But tell me

Explain to me

Which is it?

Are you a player?

Or are you for real

Do you just say “I love you” “I miss you”

Or do you really mean those?

You somewhat confronted your prime accuser

You wrote her and said, “I have but one thing to say to you... You’re a bitch”

Did you write me?

Tell me you were sorry?

Explain you’re self?

Not as of Friday

Will there be an email in my box on Monday?

Time will only tell

So I close with this question again

Are you a player or are you for real?

Be thine own self be true

I am my own person

I need on one and nothing to fulfill my own happiness

I can be and do anything I want to do

I am young, strong, intelligent, and educated

I am more than I was

But less than I will be

I will find and follow MY OWN PATH for no one can find or walk it for me

I am my own person and will make my own happiness

Be thine own self be true

Break for life

I had to break his heart to give mine new life
He wasn’t the one I fantasized about to of to get off

He wasn’t the first and last things on my mind every day

Maybe that’s not how it is suppose to be, but that’s what I want

If he was all he says he is

Then he will have no problem finding someone

I rather be alone, just me and my memories of real lovers and my fantasies then in a fake relationship – wasting both our lives

He just wasn’t the one

I’m pretty sure “the one” got away a long time ago and is surely married by now

I know I loved him, barely knew him, but loved him, I would have married him

I don’t know exactly what he felt for me

He at least felt SOMETHING for me, because when he told me of his deployment I could tell he hated telling me, hurting me

I think we both knew we would never see each other again

That I would loose him and he would loose me

I still miss him

I’ve tried finding him, but his name is a bit common and I can’t remember which “San” his parents lived in to help narrow it down

So I had to leave this one, to allow myself the chance to find the one that will make me feel something, feel safe with, feel connected with

Break My Heart

You break my heart

possibly don't mean to or know you do

you break my heart

you are having issues – some people who should be reliable say your doing and slanging again – you say your having a good bit of depression but not doing or slanging

you told madre that you changed your number to avoid everybody

• meaning those who want to see you fail
• as well as those who want to see you succeed
• maybe it shouldn't bother me since your family didn't have it either

we have been friends for twenty years, I have only seen or heard from you maybe five times in four months

you're madre says you know how I feel and that I will always be standing by you

but it doesn’t feel like it

if you do you aren't acting like it / showing it

I love you a million times more than I should, but I love you and only want the best for you

please stop breaking my heart

Can?

Can you solve the ache in my heart?

Can you heal my broken trust, my bruised and battered heart?

Can we help each other develop a sense of worth?

I have so little faith left that I doubt that

I’m sorry for that

I’m sorry for defeating us before we get started

Can We

friend for nearly twenty years

sparks always there

will we try to make something work

or is the risk to loosing our friendship too great?

can you be my man only?

can you be happy with only one lover?

can you handle me when I have a crazy moment?

crazy day?

you're a song writer, artist, musician

I'm a poet, writer, artists

can our similarities outweigh any differences and ensure we have enough in common to find each other interesting?

can you grow to love me above all others?

Will I grow to love you above all others?

I know I could easily fall in love with you

but will that love be returned?

if it is will it be strong enough to endure or will it exsiccate and die?

CRG

I love you

I have no doubt that I do

I love your voice, your touch, your smile, your sense of humor, your taste, how you ramble on when nervous, how you hold my hand with fingers intertwined without a second though, how you respond to the slightest touch I give you, how you will go down without a hint ever having to be given, how you feel inside me, your eyes, your skinny ass self, your bald spot you are so self conscious about, how you love to play along to all the songs you know, how you'll tell me basically anything, how you get concerned for me or when J called you were concerned for him

I think I might be having your baby, I have many of the symptoms but none of the tests would be accurate yet

I know you're having a hard time sometimes dealing with the divorce you are going through

been there done that baby

I know you care for me a lot

but I wonder if you're falling in love with me

you mentioned an interesting thing on Monday that there has been a study done that said when a man considers a woman his mate he expels more sperm/semen than if he was organism with a woman who he didn't feel that way for

what makes that really interesting is the last three or four times you have not just cum but exploded

ejaculated more and more each time

do you consider me your mate?

Does 'mate' equal love?

D.C.

Please don't hurt me

I don't expect you to love me

to be honest I can't promise to love you since someone else had my heart though he doesn't want it

be be honest with me

be yourself

treat me the way you want to be treated

don't lead me on

If you're only wanting a lover for a time I need to know

if you want me to be yours I need to know

when you decide you have had enough just tell me please -face to face

I will let you go without argument

I just want to see your face when you say it's over

I need to see that it's over from your eyes

just don't play me

don't lie to me

I like having you in my life, knowing you're my man

I feel safe with you and that is VERY rare

I feel wanted, needed, loved by you and I can't remember the last time I felt that way from someone

Darkness

Darkest days

Darkest moments

Sometimes I wonder where you come from

Do I summon you?

Do I create you?

Or do you just happen

Dark days

Dark moments

Not so in tune with the moon tides

So bleak, so long are the days of my life

I wonder if I had had a family like JPB’s if these would not come so often if my days would be better, having had a real support system, people who do care about me, who want to see me succeed?

Rather than the oppressors who love to break me down, dog my every thought, choice, decision, bitch when I try and succeed and moan when I give up

Would I be healthy, strong, happy like JMB or would I still have ended up all fucked up?

D.E.A.II

I’ll never forget how your body felt

So hard, so sensual

You were the guy who made me L-O-V-E chest hair and not mind guys dressed like cowpokes – that should have been a one man exception

I remember how your guys respected or feared you

I remember how wonderful you were to me

Protective of Christie and Me

I remember how you kissed

How badly you danced

How you looked at me

Like I was the Goddess incarnate

I remember how your lips felt, cold from your cold beer

I remember not minding the taste of it – was it even beer- it was kind of sweet – and you were the sober acting one – and the one driving- I doubt it was beer

I remember how I got, how we both got, lost kissing each other, the noise from the club melting away till there was nothing but you and me

Got so lost in your kisses that I barely realized you had put your finger inside me and was rubbing my clit

Like I needed that

I had wanted you since I had first saw you

Had wanted you since you first kissed me

I remember the feel of your close cut hair to my fingers and your slight-very slight-stubble

How sensual, sexy, hard but soft your lips were

I remember how safe I felt with you

I barely knew you but I trusted you

I remember as we were walking outside together – looking for a quiet place to make out and talk- just wanting you- being even more impressed by how handsome you were and that you had picked me – even if it was only for that night- this handsome, sexy, gentleman solider wanting me and I wanted him

I remember you pointing out your car and me pointing out mine- mine was farther way, bit more private so we headed there

I remember making out with you against my car

Feeling your hard body pressed against me and the extra hard spot in your pants wanting me like I was wanting you

I remember sliding my fingers into your shirt-between the buttons- feeling your hairy chest and the rippling muscles under the hair, feeling the same on your stomach

I remember you releasing your stallion from your pants, me reaching out and feeling the hard, hot, long length of it, the firth of it

I remember you placing him just against the heat of me

Me realizing then that I was going to be no modest lady that night; I wanted you right then and encouraged you on in

I remember how it felt when you sheathed your self in me, which alone was pleasurable

I remember the feel of your hard member sliding in and out of me, my butt pressed against the side of the car and standing slightly on my toes, holding on to you by the shoulder and waist, feeling your buttocks contract and release as you pumped, you sliding in and out, filling me up, touching every sweet spot their is to touch and still madly kissing most of the time

I remember how good you felt

I remember you thrice making a bit of a puddle up towards the grass and the front of my car with your little men

I know the fates must have been against me that night, because each time I got close we would have to stop because of movement in the parking lot or someone leaving and we would have to act like we were just standing there, VERY close together- which the stopping would make me loose my orgasm-but even without cumming I was still very satisfied-would have been more with an orgasm or two and more time with you

That is one night I will never forget

Maybe one day we will find each other again since we lost touch and get to have more amazing times together

DK

I miss you

Even with all your problems I miss you

I miss how it made me feel when you kissed me

Touched me

You brought me back to life twice

And now I miss you again

 DKB

You claim to be a modern day knight

But you're not

A knight had chivalry

If he was courting a lady he would take a moment to inform her of his decision to court someone else

Not just disappear from her life

You say you are a modern day knight?

Sir, you jest!

Do you think of me everyday?

I think of you everyday

Wishing you here to stay

You sitting alone but surrounded in your tend in the sandbox

I wonder what you dream of when you close your eyes

Do you dream of me, of us as one, of holding me in your arms, of kissing me upon your return?

I dream of you here by my side, back here and safe from harm

I relieve our time together in my head daily

Remembering our bittersweet goodbye, my desire to cry all morning but not wanting to make you feel bad

I remember the vet at the gate giving you his warrior words of wisdom

I fear watching the news, fear of hearing the worse, though I know your mother would call I fear she would be to distraught

I wish to have gained the courage earlier in the day to ask you to do the paperwork so I would get the knock as well

So not to rely on someone else

I feel your presence with me always

Your nearness though so far away

I can still feel your arms around me, pulling me close to you the night before you left

I dream of more nights like that-without the stress of what to come but of spending our time together, I want more nights wrapped safe in your arms

I think of you every time I see another soldier

I envy those already home – I know that is not right but I do nonetheless

I think of these things everywhere, alone in my room, surrounded in a small town in central Texas

Do you think of me everyday?

Does Any Of This Matter To You?

If I stay or if I go

Would it matter much to you?

You have been so busy with your life I wonder if you even think of the past, of me, of what we could have had

I seem to have no life and my mind constantly reverts to the past

Lately my mind has been falling on you

Wondering if we could be friends again

Wondering how you are

Wondering…

Thinking that I fucked up the time I had you

Even as shy as you were I was still better off with you

But honestly, we were too young to try and have what we attempted

I guess in a way I guess I have been holding every guy that I’ve dated up to not only my expectations but also to how you treated me

Everyday That You Are Away Seems Like an Eternity

Everyday that you are away seems like an eternity

I feel you close to me even though you are so far away

I know when you are awake

I know when you are thinking of me

I know when you are tired and when you are sleeping

I do not need a crystal ball or a spy among your mists to know this

I know it because I feel you in my heart, in my soul

We are connected; we share a love stronger than either of us has ever felt before

We are connected by our hearts, by our minds, by our psychics

We are one soul, two bodies

Everyday you are away seems like an eternity

Even knowing all that I know I miss feeling your touch, your kiss

I miss your voice, your arms, all the physical nearness we had before your deployment

I miss our hours of conversations

I miss just laying in your arms watching TV or talking

I miss sleeping in your arms

I miss you

Everyday that you are away seems like an eternity

F 2 the T

I did 'ok' today

when T told me you had showed up out at her house my heart only half way jumped into my throat and stopped for a millisecond

I also managed to hold my tongue over all and not say “what the fuck is wrong with you?!” when you were pretending I was invisible

T and me know you were high and coming down hard

you are hard on my heart

sometimes I wish never to see you

most of the time that's all I want is to see you

Falling Apart

We are falling apart

And what can I do about it? Nothing, because it takes two to fix

What will you do about it? You won’t even admit there is a problem

I honestly haven’t felt like you want ME for over a month now

Like all you want is a pussy to fuck

I won’t allow myself to be used like that

If you really want to be with me … be with all of me

I don’t want to be second or third or fourth or hundredth place in your life

I won’t be without an opinion when I have an opinion like your buddies girlfriend who is petrified of him…how sad really

I should have to come after your buddy and your mother – that’s not right

If you still want to be with me...show it!!

Really show it, all the time

You want me to respect you and ignore your insufficiency than respect me and treat me like the lady I am trying to become not like the common whore

Here in the last week I have really doubted that we will last, should we try or should I walk on?

Fantasy vs. Reality

Why is it our fantasies of what will happen always let us down?

Is it that reality sucks so much our mind takes creative license and makes up a scenario that is ideal?

Why is that you: JPB cannot be for me what I want you to be, or at least seem like it once again – even if only for thirty minutes when we met up for the return?

I am so glad that DK advised me NOT to go to the Welcome Home, I would have made a fool of my self in front of you, your parents, and everyone else there and have been severely disappointed and undoubtedly left crying

I wish I would not have falling in love with you as I did

It would make the fact that you do not love me romantically easier and it would be maybe possible for me to move on

Instead, I still want you, I ache when I see you, when you are around

I can deal with you on the phone, but in person is a different matter

Let go of my heart, though you do not want to...you still own it

Why can’t reality be more like my fantasies – at least when it comes to you?

FWT you confuse me!

Mr. you confuse me

you have been throwing hints in your letters to me for nearly a year that you are attracted to me, want to be with me

but never actually said it

you made sure you Saturday that I knew where the party for you would be and that I met every member of your family there, even showing me pictures of those not there

you opened the car door and house door for me every chance you got

you also made sure to let me go first if I was walking with you like I typically was

• maybe your just REALLY really a gentleman
• maybe you are hoping I'll leave CRG for you
• maybe you would do this anyway
• I just don't know!

You made sure you were sitting next to me or else very close to me

you made me a drink without a second thought when you asked if I wanted one when most would have just said where the stuff was

you pretty much treated me like a queen in every way

• maybe that's just your way
• but you didn't even go so far for your mom who had surgery two weeks ago

every time you saw me in the store or when you all picked me up you lite up and got a big sweet goofy smile on your face

A. said she saw 'sparks' when we greeted and talked both time you were in the store

• I didn't feel them though I wonder if you kept everything I sent you since you kept that picture I sent you of me me and D – only one I could find of me

I wonder what you feel for me

I wonder if you are thinking about me

I wonder if you will come by the store this weekend when I work to see me

I wonder if I heard you right when I went to hang up on Friday when you called me from Huntsville and Saturday before the party – I thought I heard “I love you”

Green

I saw Victor today

My old friend from high school

We both dreamed of a life in the service of country

Flying jets, dogfighting

We were aviators in the making

Our dreams were our lives

Then I got stupid and pregnant

He got stupid and in trouble for drugs

6 or 7 years later he got back on tack

Not an aviator but he has made his military dream come true

He is in the Guard

I am so proud of him

I am so jealous of him

Eight year and few months after my swear in – and in retrospect should have shipped off to basic training right then – I am still stuck here in this hell, fat and jealous of a good friend

I will not live here after January

I will be upstate

I give myself only till may 2009 to loose these sixty pounds I need to do, do the guardian ship thing for Jon, and be in shape enough to do the PT requirements

Then I will get the Navy to pay for my medical school

Six years inactive active duty

Six years active duty thereafter

I will happily give them twenty

I have to realize my dream

I may never get to fly tomcats, but being military is my dream

I have never wanted to do anything else

I do not want to be jealous of y friends

Not Joe, Joao, Denny, Kim, Deb, Gary, Frank, and most definitely not Victor

How do I

How do I tell you how much I have come to love you, not just as my best friend but as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with

How do I tell you that it kills me when you want to spend your time with another woman, because you say your afraid of getting involved and losing our friendship if you can't manage to be faithful

How do I convince myself that I don’t care who all you sleep with as long as I’m the one you come home to, can I even do that?

How do I tell you that I love you, without loosing my best friend

Could you possibly be loving me as more than friends, is that one reason you fear llosingme?

Could you want me like I want you?

Could you be thinking of me when you touch them, kiss them, have sex with them?

I know that sometimes you have dreams that have something to do with me, even if it is just about getting mail to your bunk back on the inside

You make sure hugs linger

When I surprised you and kissed you on my birthday you not only kissed back but did so with passion

you always have a smile for me no matter how you feel or whom else is there

You made sure that I met all the family that gathered for your welcome home and you seem generally pleased that your mom likes me

When you led me through the dark yard at John's by the hand it felt so perfect, never holding hands with anyone ever felt so perfect

There was a gentleness, a firmness, a warmth, a perfection, a spark in how you held my hand

I don't want to believe even for a minute this affection you feel for me, this spark I feel between us, that others see between us, is all imaginary

you trust me to mess with your cell to try and do whatever you need done to it regardless of what you have on it – that's supposed to be a sign of major trust

When I asked you if you wanted me contact the schools that teach what you are considering doing you said “I don't think we need to worry about that right now. We'll do that later on” – you do that now and then, speak of the future to me in 'we' form...does that mean you see a future with me? Once you have gotten through this stage you are in / this rough road?

I know I can not imagine my life without you in it

I know I don't want any other man but you

I know sometime in the future, maybe in a week, maybe in a month, maybe in December, maybe next June when you've been back a year, maybe in three years..I'm going to ask you to agree to have two children with me when we are thirty-eight, one that year one the next, if we both are still single..or maybe even if you are taken. We both want children, both want two more, I can see in my mind what our children would look like and they are beautiful. I have never truly wanted to have children with someone, but I do with you that's how deep my love for you goes.

How do I make it through tonight wanting you, even just to hear your voice

how do I make it through the next four days without being stupid and telling you I love you over the phone.

I have ended phone calls with you more than once saying 'love you' … you have never commented if you have heard

I never planned to fall in love with you.

I was just going to be a good friend and be there for you while you were locked up and of course be your friend when you got out still too.

I never thought I would fall in love with my buddy from jr high

when I saw you in lock up I first thought 'shit! Well he's in here not like he can tell anyone before Wednesday that he saw me', my second thought was 'damn f----ie you've gotten more fine since I last saw you, still got that amazing smile', I never thought that over a year of writing you and you writing me at least once a week, often more, that I would not only gain a true best friend but fall in love with him too.

I can't live without you in my life

And gods how I hope when I do tell you how I feel it doesn't make us 'weird', that we will be ok

I don't think I could go on living without your friendship, without knowing you have my back

I love you FWT with all my heart and soul, there is no one else for me ever, you are my beloved, be mine...........

How do you fall out of love?

I thought I would check the news on the first Cav website – just to see if you were mentioned yet – you were not

I know I have no business wandering about you, but what I cannot help I cannot help

I figured what the hell, I’ll check the 115^th website, see if it has changed – it had – it had pictures now

I looked at the thumbnails; hoping one would be of you

I saw one I thought might be you – the man’s nose made me think it was you – it was you

I thought I was going to swallow my heart

I cried because I was so happy to see your face

But you’re not mine anymore

But I still love you

My heart breaks to think of you because I still want you so much

We have been over since July

How do I get over you?

How do I stop loving you?

How?

How did you stop loving me?

How could you just put me out of your mind, out of your heart, as if I never meant anything to you?

Or did I ever?

Or did you only see me as an easy lay?

I have a hard time believing that you thought that little of me – you honestly seemed to care, to mean what you said

If I did mean that little and you pretended that well than you deserve an award for your performance – it was magnificent

I am really not looking that forward to seeing you when its time to sign your truck out – it will kill me to be that near you and not be able to hold you

But you will hear what I feel what I think and a demand for a better explanation – that you will

How am I supposed to stop loving the only man I have ever loved this totally, this completely?

How I feel

Despite my self, there is love

Despite the danger you will face soon, there is love

I feel so at home with you

Like this is not our first time together

Like we have lived all our past lives together

Despite myself, I feel like I have found what I was looking for

Despite my self, I fear loving you

I do not know what I would do if you die in battle

I fear you losing interest and setting me aside

Despite my fears I have fallen like an iron weight in love with you

I can visualize a life with you, even children

One year may seem like an eternity right now, but I can wait, I will still want you, I will still need you, I will still love you

HUMPH!!

I just LOVE not being believed

I just LOVE basically being called a liar

You two, especially you KLSB, are SO predictable: what you two say is ALWAYS TRUE AND CORRECT and everyone else is wrong and stupid – even when it’s the other way around

My gods your family, y9our supposed to believe me, be supportive, etc, but you DON’T – never have

I know it was “it” who I saw in the store

I know it was “it” who I saw running from our street and tore up my car

But you don’t believe me, hell you don’t CARE

You two are WORTHLESS

GO TO HELL!

I Could

I could need you

I could want you

I want you to need me

I want you to want me

I Know

I know you lied about going to the movies with Dustin

Dustin and pair…unhuh

I know the only way that happened is if you agreed to go with Sam and him and some other female – got a real good guess who, on a double date

He wouldn’t do anything to help you or treat you like a friend otherwise because he’s a user and a loser

You’ve been acting odd and secretive since that day, closing down messenger windows if you think I might be able to see what is wrote there, having quiet phone conversations outside

All this strongly suggest you have a new girlfriend and you aren’t bothering being a man and telling me

I know what you are hiding

I know you need to grow up and be a man

You really don’t have a clue how to act, how to treat a woman, to be around a REAL woman do you?

That’s SO sad

Pathetic really

I want

I want to be loved

As much as I love

I want to be needed

As much as I need

I want to feel safe in my lovers arms

As I did with you

I want to be held

As passionately as you held me

I want to feel beautiful

As I did with you

I want to be loved, needed, longed for

As I never have stopped for you

I want to be turned on by just being in my lover’s presence

As I was with you

I Yearn

I yearn for the sweet contentment of peace in someone who loves me, wants me, needs me, will never tear a hole in my heart, or make me feel like a fool…the one who will be mine until our deaths

I yearn to be wanted as much as I need him

I yearn to be loved as much or more than I love him

I yearn to find my best friend, my champion, my companion, my lover

I yearn for someone who moves at the same speed as me, who isn’t afraid to try, who will put their heart on the line

If Only I Could Ask You This
In Person or On the Phone…

What are you?

What are we?

Should I take what your mom said as truth or wonder if it is what you want me to believe?

Yes, I am untrusting; I have not had a reason to trust anything at face value in a very long time

I fear I put myself out there for no reason

I fear you hate me

I fear I lost your friendship long ago and there is nothing I can do to get it back

These are just the fears...

The worries...

That I have about you

I want to be your friend

Do you want to be mine?

I am sorry for the spiteful things I did to you

I just couldn’t tell then if you cared – which I believe you did

Do you still?

I’ll Take What I Can Get

I did not expect to meet a decent guy

I did not expect to find anyone really

If it had not been for both of our loneliness and wild ideas to put an ad where we did we would not have met

How lucky we are

How unlucky we are that we cannot have something long term like I believe we both would like

I’ll take whatever I can get with you

Will you take what you can get with me?

Maybe your hope of not getting deployed will come true

Even if it does that is ok too

I’ll take what I can get

We will stay in touch while you are in Iraq

Maybe when you get back we can have the more we want

If you want

I’ll take what I can get

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry you are hurting

I want to hurt the puta that has hurt you and keeps stringing you along instead of ending it for good

I hope and pray God touches your heart and closes that love you have for her down so you can heal and opens your eyes to see you are worth so much more than these dope hoes

In memory of accident on 8-11-03 in Greece
A moment of silence for your fiend who wasn't as lucky as you... 
but I'm glad that god decided to keep you here a bit longer instead of taking you to him that day... 
don't despair 
be happy... he would want that 
and know I love u 
thinking of you and hoping you get to feeling better physically and emotionally soon.

Irrational Addition to You

When I saw your profile and it had changed from long term relationship (us) to single (us apart) to long term relationship (you and someone else)

Or so I think you changed it the first time

Did you?

My heart leaped from my chest to my throat, beating rapidly

I did not realize till then that I did in fact care that deeply for you

That I did in fact love you

Even though I should have know since the thought of you not being faithful to me and the fear of losing you would make me cry at the drop of a hat when we were together

I guess with the distance I thought neither of us could REALLY be feeling what we were saying we were

That our love for each other was imaged and stemmed from longing

Now the though that you might be falling in love with someone else, making love to her

Eats away at my soul

Now I think I have lost you for good

That she will be smart and get her claws in you good and not let go, that she will fight to keep you

Now I realize I was a fool

Now I know I was an idiot to let my loneliness, the distance, my despair get the best of me – to rashly throw us to the side

The very few dates I have been on since we broke up where sparkles, empty, totally without connection

I have only once before felt any kind of connection as strong as I had with you

You are the only guy I can picture my self ever married to – when I feel it is ‘safe’ enough to marry again

I don’t know why I am so scared of being married again

I do know I am afraid of losing my self or someone smothering me – killing my sense of self

I have never told you all of what I have gone through – especially in my first marriage

You never seemed to want to think of me with anyone else and never asked and I am not too keen on sharing that unless I must

I let you go

I hurt you once again

I should be moving on

So, why am I so irrationally obsessed addicted even with you?

Do you think of me half as much as I think of you?

If you were not with someone else – if you are- would you want any kind of future between us? Would you risk it again? Endure it again?

Is It?

Is it fear?

Is it intuition?

Is it paranoia?

I think you have been avoiding me for the last two days

Are you hopefully feeling more than you want?

Are you not wanting to see me anymore but are too much of a coward to answer your phone when you see I’m calling much less tell me?

I don’t like being left hanging

I like knowing where I stand

Is The End Near?

You seem to be pulling away from me

you near text me anymore unless in response to one I send you

totally opposite from the beginning

you seem distant

you hardly want to spend any time with me anymore

when we talk – public or private – you make less eye contact than before

like you are disinterested

if you don't want to see me anymore just say so

will I be hurt?

Yes of course I will be

but I see the end approaching and wish you will just say it instead of, I don't know, do you expect me to it it?

I don't think you could handle another woman walking away from you

you need to do it this time

so are you scared of what you feel?

I don't think that is it but I could be misreading you

have you grown tired of me?

If so say so and we'll try and it make it as friends alone

regardless of why just tell me what you want, what you need, you say you want to keep me as a friend..well how do you expect to do that if you want be honest with me?

 

It is unfortunate for you

You are unfortunate to be wanting me

Wanting what you want

You want me to move to you since you own a home and I do not so we can be together

I do not want that

I do not like living here with these people much less the thought of living with another

You know if we had met before last march…I would not hesitate to consider what you are offering

I do not know what exactly has changed in me this last year to make me not want to live with anyone

Maybe it is an automatic reaction to being hurt by him

Maybe I have just matured to the level that I truly, really just want to live alone and if I date do it without the complications that go along with living together

Maybe I just have so little faith in relationships now that I would not ever consider putting myself in the situation where I felt I had nowhere to go again

Or that if I needed to leave the relationship I would not do it till I had secured a place to stay

Maybe it is also because you are so far away from where my plans have me for a while

I do like you

I would like to be able to date you maybe

But I have no intentions of moving to you nor asking you to move to me

Which would mean we would never date because we are 14 hours apart and I will not do that kind of long distance relationships anymore either

 

JM

Jose, the last time I saw you you seemed so sad

Unhappy

Michelle says that the girl you where with is your wife

But she calls herself Felix’s wife when she is just his live in girlfriend

That and you did not introduce her to me – either way

I know you have always had a thing for me

I kind of knew but never wanted to consider risking our friendship by being more than friends

But I cannot get over the loneliness, the sadness I have seen in your eyes the last several times I have seen you

I secretly hope that she is not your wife

That way I can steal you way from her so we can find comfort in one another

Michelle is suppose to get me your number

Once I have that I will be able to call you and find out

Maybe we can put each others loneliness to bed

Killer

I feel like the killer of relationships

The killer of hope

Or maybe the killer is just my shadow

I have never had a successful relationship

I have never had the ‘love never dies’ experience

My family likes to through my mistakes back in my face

My family enjoys rubbing my nose in my shortcomings

My family likes to claim I think I do no wrong – what a crock of shit

And they wonder why I tried it in OK

Is it not obvious?

He seemed like he might be my champion, might care about my son and mine well being, be the healer of my heart

HA! How foolish of me to have such delusions

He is just like all the men I have ever dated – not worth their weight in sand much less salt!

How I would love to have a ‘happy ever after’

How I would love to have someone that wanted more than just to fuck me, but really wants me for me

But there is no such thing as that is there?

If there ever was there isn’t now

I have too many issues

I have too many problems

My son has too many problems and issues developing

This package is too much trouble, not worth the effort for any man

My life has been screwed since conception

I have no idea why I was born

There is nothing great I have ever done

I’ve screwed everything up and screwed up everything I have ever done in my life

I have / had no direction in my life

I don’t have some great talent or spot of insight to share with the world

I delude myself with thought that maybe I was born and forced to exist so that my son would be born, that he is destined to something great

But can a child with so many issues be great?

I have no faith

No hope

No love

No happiness

No want for life

Nothing to give

Nothing to accept

Just loneliness

Just sadness

Just emptiness

Like a Scab

Why am I always willing to rip my heart open a little bit over you?

I get a little healed and want to be near you, hear you, feel you

So I call and although nothing bad is said I hang up feeling raw inside

Because I know you are not mine and never will be again

I know that what I feel for you is not reciprocated

But I do not care

You are still the one I hunger for, long for, need, see in my dreams

I know all you want is to be friends if even that

And that is all I will ever have of you again…your friendship, never your body and defiantly never your heart

I know you know, because I told you, that I love you and want to be your lover

Even if it came without commitment I still would

I need you; despite it all I need you

Even though there is another man who adores me, wants to make me his wife

Who has always treated me right, I still want you

The thought, the memory, the longing for you overshadows anything he could say or do

As foolish as it maybe I still want all that you said…the stupid fluff you said to make me feel wanted

I believe the huge attraction that is so obvious between us is undeniable

That kind of electricity, that attraction, is so intense that if it was lightening it would kill us both, fry us to cinder it is so strong

You will be home sometime tomorrow, Monday, from seeing family

Then you leave for recruiter school in July

You have no idea how much I would love to send the next two months with you, in your arms

Though I know that is unlikely, I would be more than willing to do that, regardless of the pain I would suffer when you leave

Because no matter how small the interaction…you ripe into me like a knife to a few day old scab opening me up to wanting you just enough to make me ache

And yet I still want you regardless of how much it aches

Missed Chances

I didn’t give you a fair chance three years ago

And I missed my chance

You are married now and have a little baby

I never realized that I cared so much for you till you told me that

I lost my chance

And you are happy and in love without me

You didn’t even remember me

You only barely did after much reminding

I’m sorry

I missed my chance

I think I loved you A.G.

My Addiction

You are like an addiction to me.

I see you and talk to you I’m good while we are there but when we part ways I ache with need for you

one more minute

one more hour

one more hug

one more look

one more smile

I know it would never be enough you're an addiction to me.

My Best Friend, My Heart Ache

we have been friends for over 20 yrs

and yet you have abandoned me

we had reconnected back in '09

we grew close while you were locked up

and grew closer still for the first three months you were out

then you settled with a hoe-bag who thinks a woman is supposed to control a man

you stayed friendly but distant because of the bitch for nine months

and now you have not spoke to me, answered when I called you, text me back, nothing for just shy of a month..and you go and delete your account and not respond to anything from me at all today...

I love you

and I wish I didn’t

because I know before long you will reach out to me and I am too weak to push you away and ignore you as you do me

I know the bitch will hurt you again

and I will be the one you turn to when you are hurting again

who do I turn to when I am hurting because I need you, want you, desire you so much

who do I turn to when I want to talk to you, to see my best friend?

That's right I don't have anyone to because you're supposed to be able to turn to your best friend

what do you do when your bestfriend is the one who is hurting you?

My Broken Heart

you break my heart in two

you know we would be amazing together

but instead you never give us a chance

instead you messed with some sluts and settled for one of them

she nearly destroyed you last Thursday

who kept you sane?

Who kept you from killing yourself?

Who stayed awake all night to make sure you stayed breathing and didn't die?

Who held you when you were crying?

I tell you I love you and I wonder if you understand just what I mean

yes I love you as a friend, you are my BEST FRIEND

but I'm IN love with you

I love you with all my heart and soul

the thought of you wanting, loving that loathsome puta sickens me

she claims to love you but doesn't or she wouldn't have left you for “her kids” – yeah right more like her husband's money

if she 'loves you' it's your third leg like J and B do

everyone, even your FAMILY, think we are together..always have...they all think we would be good together

they thought that back in June and your sister-in-law thought we were together last night when we went to Cliffs

Cathy and Mr. Venice Beach thought we were a couple when we were at CI and couldn't get why we weren't

NO ONE gets why we aren't together

I appreciate that you don't want to hurt me...think you're protecting me...that you respect me

it's obvious you respect me since all the times you could have fucked me and you haven't not even when you were drunk or high on painkillers

are you blind to how much it hurts me that you are with everyone else BUT me?

All I want is ONE fair chance to show you what something REAL something REALLY real is like..how great we could be

will I ever get that chance?

My Dear Passion

The last thing I want is to scare you away but I really like you

I want to transfer to a college closer to you so that I can be closer to you, so that when we want to get together we can without an extra hour drive

And if we get serious than it will be easier without the added distance of now

I don’t see us realistically ending up married but I see a good possibility of us being a couple for a while

That is something that would be nice

Though I am satisfied and not worried of you being with someone else or disappearing on me like I have with others in the past

Maybe it is because we started off very frank and honest with each other – the very least either of us expects in any relationship: honesty

I guard our friendship, our relationship close to my heart

You make my heart light, my mouth smile, my voice giggle, and my face light up every time you call…you hug me...you talk to me...you kiss me...you hold me

My Fear

My fear continues to mount

Have I lost you?

Your email said: “you were the girl I loved...”

Then you say: “I still love you”

I know you are busy, but I am going crazy wanting to talk with you, try to fix us – if you want me back

I am going to try and get a small calling card today if you are not online at eleven and call you – even though I can’t really afford it – but I’ve got to talk, via email, chat or phone soon

I am afraid of loosing you

My Misery

my friend

my love you push us all away for a broad

you get pissed if friend of family tells you straight about your puta

you threaten to leave our friendship of two decades behind in the dirt because i tell you how i see it even about her

pretty FUCKING sorry

you know I have loved you for nearly three years now not by my choice it would have been easier if I had never felt anything but friendship for you

but you continue to choose others over me what the fuck does J, A, R have or will do that I don’t have or you think I won't do?

how would you know?

you have only ever kissed me

we have shared a bed but that about about the most platonic experience ever

“you know I love you and respect you that's why we never dated”

really?

Or is it cause all those hussies you know would be an easy lay and now one has you by the short and curlies and doing a bang up job manipulating you

I can't promise I can tear the scab off my heart the next time you are in crisis

I can't promise my heart can take you breaking it again when you take a horseback or chose another dog

I WILL always love you

I WILL always be your friendship

have you never LOOKED and seen what is right in front of you all this time?

Or is it the fact I'm not a dope hoe that turns you off – can't handle a real woman?

Fine have your trash

I can't promise I'll still want you when they use you all up

SCA

We must look funny to mundanes

We drive for hours and hours in custom; garb

WE feel normal

Are normal

Mundanes glance nervously at us

Or stare

When we go in somewhere in garb

Like they're afraid we’re out of a Harry Potter book

We’re not

We’ve been around for over twenty years now

We get together

Sew, cross-stitch, make armor, fight, sing, dance, camp, do poetry,

Share our lives like anyone else

Even mundanes

We just have more fun!

Luck of the Irish

What luck I have!

First semester in college:

Car wreck

9 – 11

Second semester in college:

Our house burns

I don’t have THAT much Irish blood in me!

I guess a few drops is all you need,

To have the luck of the Irish!

Week of Horrors!

Monday:

Wax in puddles in a triangle inside a circle

With an iris in the middle

Weird star alignment

Strange premonitions

Strong feelings of doom

All this seen and felt by two

Saturday:

Burning bush out of corner of eye

But not actually burning

Strange premonitions

Strong warnings

All this seen and felt by 3

Monday:

Feeling disconnected

Nervous

Felt by 2

Come home and find house burned

My mom in tears

My son in shock

My cat missing

Her cat dead

Everything I own gone

Nearly everything else gone too

Why couldn’t we read the signs?

Too many emotions?

Too many people?

GO AWAY!

Mine are enough

In overload

In shock

Doesn’t wear off

I have one pair of shoes, one set of cloths

None of my school things, no violin, no pictures or emails or letters to remember by

Nothing left

Love Over Oceans

People don’t understand how I can love you from so far way

We’ve never had a real date

Never held each other's hand

Never kissed

Never made love

But, I love you

I want you and no one else

My friend thinks I’m nuts

Hell, most of them do

Only one of my friends understands

Her boyfriend is in Corpus Christi

Not quite so far away as Albania or Turkey

But still long distance

Some think I should sleep around on you

That you do the same to me

That you will never know

I wouldn’t

I couldn’t

I can’t hurt you

I can’t hurt you like we’ve both been hurt before.

That is the ultimate sin,

the ultimate betrayal

I can’t hurt you, definitely not like that

I may, one day, hurt you

Or you may hurt me

But we will have tried

We will survive

I know our love is real because distance doesn’t bother us that bad

We trust each other

Even without looking into each others eyes

A letter

An email

A call or two

Is all you have to do to brighten my day

And all you must do to brighten mine

You say your English is bad

Well, love, it’s better than my Albanian!

And it’s better than before

I want to know you

Hold you

Kiss you

I yearn to feel your kisses on my lips

On me

Someday, we'll be together

And they’ll know we love each other

All the way

My Portuguese Man

You play a good game

So good I was unaware of it

So sly

So smooth

That you were the only one aware that you did not mean anything you said

So aware of the electricity between us that you knew that you would use it, exploit it, as you wanted

I loved listening to you speak in Portuguese

So calming, so beautiful how it rolled off your tongue and out those perfect lips

I do not know why I was surprised that you lied

I do not know why I was shocked that you played me

Everyone always has

No one values honesty or love anymore

I honestly hoped that your parents raised you with the same values they had been raised with in Portugal that you would have respect and not be a player...I should have known such a handsome man with such a short period before he was deployed would not really want me…just what I could give him physically…

Why would you want a woman like me?

Why would you not want to use me, play me, pretend to care for me…you could have any woman you want…why would you want me

You play a good game my Portuguese man

So good that I was oblivious of it

My Soul Aches

My soul aches to be loved

My soul aches to be made one

My soul aches to be wanted as much as I want

My soul aches to find contentment in ones arms

My Stand True Puppy-Man

You have tolerated my paranoia, my ups and downs

You have welcomed me back with open arms

You take me as I am and love me regardless

You stand true to me

You are my stand true puppy-man

I am a fool to ever have thought I could be happy with anyone other than you

You may be young, but you are not immature- you are a man

My man

Or you have been

You are not right now, because I got scared and jumped ship and did not realize the good thing I had

Nevertheless, I will be your girl when you want to be my man again

I may never have gotten to kiss you

I may never have gotten to feel your arms around me

I may never have gotten to know what it is like to make love to you

However, I know you are the only one for me

The man I am meant for

The man I want to be with, to grow old with

This is all up to you though

I have hurt you more times, than I ever should have and it would be only fair if you never wanted me back, so I leave the cards in your lap

You decide where we should go from here my stand true puppy-man

My Thoughts on FK

Should I go the extra mile to try and maintain this friendship?

Show him that we can be friends even though I am talking with someone else

That doesn’t change the fact we have been friends for a long time

We’ve been friends since Jr. High

Shouldn’t that count for something?

At least he is close to living our dream

That neither of us has fully achieved

I don’t know what his life has been like these last six years

I only know mine has not been too good

But I know he has done better with his life than I

That we both ask about the other

That we both care enough to wonder and to think of each other- isn’t that enough to show we care?

But maybe when his mother asks mine or me how I was it was for her own curiosity

She has only once or twice said that he sends his regards

Maybe I am the only one caring enough to want to keep his friendship and to wish him well

That would not be so unusual

That is quit common

Should I take that extra mile to see if he cares?

Or should I just leave well enough alone?

My Wizard

I think you cast a spell on my heart on Salmain

You were there with staff in hand

Wisdom in your eyes

A mischievous smile upon your lips

You spoke an unspoken incantation to awaken my slumbering bruised heart

You made me wonder by the end of the night what it would be like to be wrapped in your chivalric arms, to kiss your lips that speak such intelligence and humor

Most do not get a raving review from the heir but you do

Do you wonder the same as I do?

No Breaking Please

two and a half weeks and first bump in the road

not bad all things considering

I'm sorry your daughter is giving you issues

pissing you off

I'm sorry your hopefully soon to be ex-wife continues to cause trouble

I'm trying to give you the space you asked for

you must understand how scary that can be for me

last two I loved like this asked for that then walked away

I don't really think you are wanting to walk away but still I fear this

I haven't told you I love you, not really

I did slip the other day when you dropped me off and said “love ya”

I'm not sure you heard me

I think you did though with the rapid blinking you did

I'm pretty sue if you knew I loved you already you would run

my bad timing and me told you about my probation and why yesterday

I'm actually worried you think I'm not worth it because of that

it would be sorry if you did since I still believe in you after you told me about what your step daughter did to you and how that cost you five years

I'm not like either of your ex-wives

verbally abusive of you

cheating or would cheat on you

or leave you for anyone, especially another woman

no, you see I could never do any of that to you because those things always happen to me

Overanalyze

I often over analyze

Try and make more out of your words, your reactions than there is

I try and understand you – or so I say- through subtle things you say at will

No I always try and read into your reactions and words to ….

Sensitive things I say like how you told me not so long ago that you’d rather discuss marriage when were are face to face, not over the phone

I guess I just don’t like that answer at all

I know you have a good point in wanting to discuss that topic face-to-face but my mind just keeps popping up those paranoid thoughts

Those thoughts that my mind naturally put there after being hurt so bad so many times

Those thought that fester worse since numerous people that you would think would want the best for me have placed a little more doubt in my mind

I don’t doubt you

I know I can trust you

As you say, we are one soul with two bodies

I can feel your truth in my bones

I can feel your love to the depths of me even without you here

I guess I would have liked it better if you had just answered

This waiting to discuss anything majorly important is really difficult

But I will wait

If that is what you really want to do

Like I told you

I’m ready to marry you now or whenever you are

Just say when

PWB

I have known you forever it seems

I don’t know what to make of you or your offer to go out

I don’t know if I could see us together

I have the feeling you have had a thing for me for a long time

Just like I knew instinctively for the last two weeks you were going to ask me out

I’ll have to just play it by ear, give you a chance, have an open mind and see what develops

Really Man?

Wow I'm SAD for you

You have the XY, the man build, the penis, the facial hair

BUT

She has your balls or THE balls

You let her control you

lead you around

down the dark path

You let her tell you who you can be friends with

who you can talk to

who you can ask for help

WOW, you REALLY disappoint me my friend

ROB

You are my strength when I’m afraid

You are my calm in the anxiety storm

You comfort me when my fears override my logic

You soothe me with the soft gentle sound of your voice

You are my rock, my soothing ocean waves, my soothing comforting howls of the timber wolf pack, the sweet soothing song of the humpback whales

You are my best friend

You know and accept me for all that I am, all that I have gone through

Scared

You said you are scared

You said you don't know if you want more than we have but feel something you have felt a few times Before when we are together

• Hinting that you could be or have fallen for me

You say you don't want to hurt me

Sorry too late – if we were to end this it would hurt me to no end

Why?

Oh that's right, I haven't told you, I have already fallen in love with you

You told me these things maybe a week ago

I have felt you pulling away even before then

You have changed your routine in the evenings since then

Hung out with a 'friend' for a few hours

I haven't asked who though I am curious

Spent time at your mother-in-law's house twice

Canceled plans with me twice, and I think tonight will be thrice

I can say if you cancel on me again tonight I'll take the hint and consider us only friends

I think you have made your decision but your fear of hurting me stays your hand on telling me you only want me as a friend

If we are over, I won't ever open my heart or body to anyone else

All I get from any of it is pain

So love, your scared..scared to love..scared to hurt me..scared I think to be hurt again..scared of losing me as a friend

Well baby, if you want to only be friends I need you to tell me

I'll be hurt but I'll still be your friend

Not telling me and dragging it on, especially if you start lying to me or seeing someone on the side when we have agreed that though we are staying down low we are exclusive

You say you have a lot on your mind

Do you realize that terrifies me?

You said something like that the other day when it seemed we were on the edge of the abyss – not the good type either, the 'see ya' type, the rip my heart out and crumple it then mash it up good in the blender type

You say you have a lot on your mind trying to figure shit out and you don't know if I'm a complication or a help

Geez thanks, love you too

I wont tell you this for real but I will here because I know if I tell you for real how it will play out and I hope it will be the opposite by pen:

• make a choice baby, do you want me and all I have to give or not? To me it seems like a pretty simple decision even in your current situation

I'm scared, I fear how this will play out

I prepare, have been preparing for a few days for a broken heart

Scars

Scars are the stories of our lives

Each new scar is a reminder of that moment of our life

They speak of our life experiences, who we are, where we have been, what we experienced there, and how it affected us

Sinor You Are On My Mind

You won’t leave my mind

Am I always on your mind?

You have on and off been on my mind since I left you

But more so now since we talked yesterday

Do I love you?

Have I always?

I have always cared deeply for you

But have never thought, even together, that I loved you

That made it torture for me

Knowing you loved me

But not loving you back

Am I just lonely?

Is that why you are here, on my mind?

I know you want me back

You never wanted it to end

And my body yearns for a man’s affections

And my heart is crying for someone to love it

To be true

When we talked I told you my woes

How I was tired of being taken advantage of, exploited, of being played

You told me: “I never played you”

I never thought you had

I know you never had

By all rights I think you worshiped me

If I hadn’t left you when I did you would have asked me to marry you

I do know I don’t want to be married to you

But that is what we are both looking for

So what do I do?

Do we become lovers again

Even if just for a while?

Or do we just remain friends/

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do

I feel like you’re the unbiased friend who is here to listen

To support me emotionally

So what do I do?

Give love one more chance?

Give upon the old institution?

Sinor you are on my mind

Soul is Ever Truly Here

I don’t know if my soul is ever truly here

I sometimes find myself in the past

About circles of stones of Scotland

And feeling like that’s home

The Man I will Never Know

The man I will never know

The man who I judge all others against

Fifteen years my senior

“Normal” acting, being for his station

Not so different from me

He has his issues too

Fear of abandonment

Only really loved one

All others fleeting

Maybe even cared for deeply

Does not see himself in the way that others see him

He does not think he is handsome

Just a regular guy

The guy I wish I could know

The kind of man I want

I can deal with some issues

I have them too

I cannot handle clingy or uncaring

I can handle, I want someone who has a life, a career, a past

Because so do I

Dedicated to POFC DK

Stupid Me

I run to the door

Thinking the one at the doorbell is someone I wanted to see

Who does it be?

No one but the people who live here

No one worth seeing

No one of interest

Stupid of me to think even in a flight of fancy that it would be who I know is in town and does know where I live

Stupid of me

Tell Me What To Do Mi Amor..Tell Me What You Want

I wish you knew what you wanted

I feel if I let what's between R and me go farther to where he is wanting it to go in a few years it will dawn on you that you want me and I’ll have to decide if throwing away a marriage is worth trying with you

I don’t think it's hard for you to figure out that I would..I would do anything for you..I’d lie for you – I have even – I would die for you

I know I don’t love R. I love you

but you are so determined NOT to try with me

you are so sure that if we try you would screw up and lose me

if you were going to lose me you would have a month ago when you got back with the dope ho

I love you too much to let you go

no matter what happens in your or mine life

I think we were so very very close twice now and you ran..once right after you got out and when you were in Port Lavaca and I picked you up

I have seen in your eyes that you love me as more than friends

and I know you know I love you

I just wish you wouldn’t be afraid of losing me I’ve told you three times already that you won't but you are so sure I will turn on you like so many others have and like your family threatens to do if you get back in deep like you were or back to prison

even if you were to go back to prison or got back deep in the trade I would still have your back still be your friend always love you

as selfish as it is if you marry the dope ho I don’t think I could survive that

I don’t think she would ever marry you..she first has to get divorced from that man she is married to..but I think she just likes using you for the sex and drugs

I want you for YOU for who you are, who you were, who you could be if you allowed yourself, yes I think you're the most attractive man I know and yes I would love to hold you even if just once but that’s not why I want you or why I love you..i love you for who you are who you always have been to me how you have always treated me well even when you were into what you were into or just a boy before that

I honestly only want to be your wife, to have your children

but will I ever have a chance to be your wife and the mother to the children you want as bad as me or would I be wasting my time if I continued to wait for you?

What do I do mi amor?

To FDK

I had a dream of you last night

An odd dream at that

I dreamed that we ran into each other at some gym

You looked good

About the same as you do except more filled out

Not such a scrawny guy as your genetics and frame dictates

You said we were ok

That we could write like I asked in my letter to you

That we were still friends

You were a bit more confident than you use to be, but that shy guy still existed in there

But not too shy to hug me

The dream had a bittersweet feeling to it

Mostly because I know it will never happen

I wonder if you hat me or if we are ok enough to be friends

Enough to write- if you will write me back

I want to believe in what I have been tough that one, if not both of us, was dream walking and all that was real in an astral plane

But sometimes it is hard to believe- hard to have faith

To Alex

You had found me

Then I lost you

I thought and searched for you

By chance I found you again

What will come of this?

Do you still care for me as you said you did?

I want to know you better than I did

I want to give you a fair chance

Did you wonder about me?

Like I did of you?

I’m tired of needy guys and guys who expect me to go out of my way for them

You never expected such from me

I had wondered how you where

How much I might have lost out with due to how I was to you

It always meant so much to me that you cared and that you accepted me the way I was

Broken, untrusting… me at the time

The Twins Are Down

09-12-01

So many to die

So many to hurt

What is the point of all this destruction?

Did they not know not to wake the sleeping dragon?

Did they not think we would retaliate?

Unknown numbers of people are dead

The twins are down

Part of the pentagon is destroyed and the fire still rages

Children without mothers

Children without fathers

People without jobs

Innocence lost

Evil people take so many lives

Maybe even 50,000 lives have been lost

For what?

The giant’s wrath?

Did they not think we would strike back?

We sit here on high alert

Helicopters circling densely populated areas, hospitals, universities, federal and state buildings

Did they start world war three?

They took first blood

And they will die for that

We have no sacred king as Britain did in the days of the Druids

But we as the American people are strong and fearless

We will take second and last blood

We shall triumph

This day will be second only to the fateful day in 1941 when Pearl Harbor was attacked

They took first blood then

And they paid dearly for it

And those who took first blood yesterday will soon do the same

What am I to do?

What am I to you?
I have one who says he loves me, wants to marry me

But his integrity is in question

He had a full year of my life

I’ve known him for two

I also have another one

He undoubtedly loves me

He had talked of marriage and international travel when we were a couple

He says he has cleaned his trashy ways

But his status has faltered

And he works a menial job now

While waiting for class to return

All the while I have resolved

That my days of countability and conquest are over

But my lonely body

My lonely soul

My lonely heart

Yearns for the pleasures of the flesh

For companionship

What am I to do?

If he is found to be without character

Should I take a lover and insure that is all that arises?

Or should I stand firm in my resolution

And keep my own company

What am I to do?

To Hate You

I want to hate you rather than love you

it would be SO much easier to breathe that way

I don't hear from you for weeks on end then you reach out to me unknowingly tearing the gaping hole in my heart wide open again

I want you to myself

I just want you to give us a try

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, even David

but you don't love me

you're with some puta that I wish would just DIE

though I know that would hurt you

I want to feel you inside me

I want to feel our child growing inside of me

but you're with her and seem quiet content to be her bitch

if I knew you would agree I’d ask you get to get me pregnant but I know you won't, because of her, maybe you do love her, you are playing house with her so who knows or maybe you just like having a hoe to poke whenever you get the need, she's easy enough

I just wish I could hate you, it would be so much easier that way

To My Joao

I know without a doubt you think about me

I know that you have to concentrate and ready yourself for battle

That within a month you will face eleven months of constant threat and danger

I now you will write me once you are in Iraq, but I miss you regardless

Separation from you is hard

In two short weeks, I had found my soul mate, the love of my life

I feel in love with you faster than I thought was possible

I found what it is like to be completely and utterly comfortable with someone – in your arms

I told you I love you the night before you deployed

You told me you love me the morning of your deployment

I am yours

I will be yours until the end of time

I can wait a year to see you again, to kiss you again, to feel your touch again, to make love to you again

I will be true

I will be here when you get back

We can see where our relationship takes us after that

Nevertheless, I think we are both thinking along the same lines as each other for the future

I do not see a future without you

I pray you stay safe from harm

I will keep you close to my heart while you are always and pry for your safe return

You Were Not What I Expected

I got the picture you sent me today

I knew you had dark hair and eyes

But you were not what I expected

Your voice

Your personality

Are both so sexy, kind, seductive

I imagined you would be moderately attractive – to match your voice and personality

But you are not

You have a tiny roundish head, receding hairline, jowls

I am still attracted to the guy on the phone

Btu I am not so attracted to the guy in the picture

I am horrible for feeling that

I know that it is horrible to judge a book by the cover and you are a really nice guy who always makes me feel special when we talk

But I do not want to settle again, I’ve done that too much

Maybe you look better in person

Maybe I can get my self to not care what you look like as long as you stay sweet, sexy, and seductive and you are not lacking in other areas

You Still

You still haunt me

You still remain in my mind

I still see you in your uniform, all respectable, all handsome, all serious, all soldier

I still see you in your skivvies, all sexy, all handsome, all perfect

I still see you without cloths, how perfect you are formed, how beautiful of a body you have…as the green man is to have

Why will you not leave my mind as you have left me?

Why must you remain here, in my mind, in my heart, to torment me?

Why must I long for you everyday, every moment for you?

You Have Nothing to Fear with Me

You have nothing to fear with me

I know a lot of GI’s fear their girls are going to mess around on them behind their backs, especially when deployed

But I’m not like that

You have nothing to fear with me

I’m yours

You are mine

I belong to you as you do to me

I would never cheat on you

I want only you

You have nothing to fear with me

Will I Know Love?

The song “what is love” still resonates strongly through me

I cannot say for sure that I have ever been loved

I have loved

I have cared

But has anyone ever loved me?

I doubt it

Maybe David did in his own way- but I think he just cared

JC cared- but was shipped out before anything could develop between us

JS claimed he loved me – but I did not love him nor believed him

MR cared – but I loved him

ML was just a friend, cared for me in a strictly platonic way- but I cared deeply for him

AC said he loved me – but I do not believe him and I do not love him

So will I ever be truly loved?

Honestly loved?

Will I ever believe someone when he says he love me?

Will I sleep alone, be alone, for the rest of my days?

Is there not a man out there that is not shallow, that will see me as more than “friends” or as a toy?

I do not want any other guy to want to have me as only friends

So I am not pretty

So I am heavy

So I am divorced

Is there not a man out there who can see past the physical?

That can see the intelligent, creative, lonely woman inside of this shell?

I am so tired of being alone

Unloved

Wanting some measure of companionship

“What is love…don’t hurt me...no more”

What You Have Not Done

You have never sent me flowers – not even cyber ones

You rarely send me e-cards – never send me a real one

You always ask for this or that

But you never send me anything

I am lucky to get a two or three line email from you twice a month – never a physical letter

The only time I have gotten long emails from you is when we were fighting

I have had your picture face down since Tuesday – five days now

And I have not wanted to stand it back up

I did not and do not feel guilty or bad for hanging up on you Tuesday

You have not emailed, not as of Friday when I check it the last time

So what does this say of us?

I send you physical and cyber cards and letters

I write you long letters and emails

I am the one who calls

You have only called me twice in two years

And both of these were at the beginning

My gut is still telling me you were with someone who you did not want me to know you were with and you did not want them to know who you were talking to

I still wonder why your ?mother? reacted with such shock and surprise when I told her I was your girlfriend

I think I will end this fantasy

Not as if I have another guy or even one that is interested but I rather not be lying to myself anymore, I rather not believe in a fantasy anymore

I have always known I am not much to look at

That I will always be alone

I guess I am tired of being in an empty, fake, imaginary relationship

I keep thinking back

Both times we have gotten back together, I was the one who asked

Why didn't you at least stay friendly with me – email me- during those times we were apart?

Why did not you pursue me if you love me so much?

That is the thing

I think you have always been saying just what I want you to say, or what you think I want you to say

Well now, I want the truth

I want some effort from you

Stop asking me for everything and do everything – you do it

I do care for you; I could easily truly love you

I know I am in love the thought of you loving me, but why if I love you- does the fact that your picture is does face down not bother me?

It should be driving me crazy, tearing at my heart

I wish you were closer, I wish I could believe…in you… in anything…but I don’t

If somehow you are for real I am sorry, but I do not believe you are

I cannot believe in us when I am the only one making an effort, trying

What do you know of me?

What do I know of you?

Really, nothing

You never ask me anything personal

When I try and ask you anything of dept, personal

You act as if you do not understand or ignore the question entirely

How did you react when I asked a relativity innocent question- do you ever dream of us making love- you got mad

You took offense

I wasn’t asking for details, I wasn’t asking your length or anything like that, I just wanted to know if you ever fantasize about me, I wanted, I was tiring to find a way to get close to you, attempting to make a real connection with you – more than a superficial one

I do not care, I do not care about much anymore, I stopped caring a long time ago, tired to care again since then, but I do not, not in the same way

I think I will wake up from this fantasy soon

It is pointless

Love, companionship, forever, eludes me, always has, always will

But fantasies are usually easier to live in, but this one, this one is not right, I don’t want to be cheated on from someone so far away

So I will release you from this, realize myself, allow myself to be completely alone once again

You Have My Heart In The Palm Of Your Hand

I love you yet you make me want to cry

I love you yet almost every time I get off the phone with you I want to launch my phone at the wall

I hate the bitch you are with

I hate that you love her and not me

I hate that though there is passion when you have kissed me you choose to ignore it and anything you feel for me and go for these whores

I hate that every time after we are together or talk on the phone my heart hurts and I want to cry

but I don't want to turn my back on you like I know I would need to do to avoid the pain and get over you

I have a good man that looks at me, touches me, kisses me, holds me, the way I wish you would hold, kiss, look at, and hold me – maybe even loves me

yet I can't help for dying a little each time I see you, hug you, think of you, or talk to you

I love you with all my heart and soul

I don't think you get that

it's not a passing fancy

you hold my heart in the palm of your hand and don't even realize it

you don't realize you are destroying my heart with each little flex of your long lean fingers

di mi amor f.w.t

What would it be like….

What would it be like to be happy?

To actually enjoy this season

To have hope

To have love

To feel secure

To feel wanted

I would not know

The only times I’ve had all that it was all a lie

I was feeling what he wanted me to feel

As he was unfaithful

What would it be like to have an honorable man?

A good guy

A guy who’s word has meaning?

What would it be like to be wanted?

What Would you Say?

What would you say if I told you I loved you

What would you say if I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you

What would you say if I told you I want to have children with you

What would you say if I told you that we would work through the last addiction you have – together

What would you say if I told you I couldn't stand the thought of with any other woman

What would you say if I told you I would have no one else but you

What would you say if I told you that you are the only person to ever tell me that they respect me

What would you say if I told you that one statement meant more to me than you will ever know, that anyone will ever understand

What would you say if I told you I believed in you, that I know you can over come this

What would you say if I told you I have faith in you

What would you say if I told you I need you

What would you say if I said.. “Be mine”

What Is It?

Some would say that ‘kicking instinct’ that you are going down the wrong path is the hand of god

Some say it is our inner self, our soul telling us it is not satisfied

Other still say it is fate guiding us to our true destiny

Whichever it is appears to have finally led me to the path I belong on

What Is It I Fear?

What is it that I fear?

Is it that you do not truly love me?

That you are leading me on

You constantly ask me to help you

When you know that I cannot and won't

I think I may just want someone to love me so I believe you

I think I am in love with a fantasy

I am not going to call again

I am not going to go out of my way and find a way for you to come to me

I’m not going to show you this either

I got the feeling when I called the A number that the woman I talked to had no idea who I was

She sounded shocked when I said I was your girlfriend

Then today, your birthday, when I called to wish you happy birthday and to talk for a minute or two you were someplace noisy and said you couldn’t talk because you had a meeting with the Albanian Foreign Minister in a few minutes

You sounded like you were lying

I do not believe you

I do not think you were alone or with the minister

And I do not think I really care

I do not mean that you can do what you want

Just more like I would not be surprised

I do think of you often

But I don’t fantasize about you

I do not dream of you

My fantasies and dreams are not of another real man either

I think they are more my versions of my ideal man

And I do not think you are him